Things that make me squint my eyes and ball my eyebrows together...otherwise known as ultimate laziness that I just can't quite figure out, and why America is fat as hell over it!
(1) Universal remote controls: A remote control that makes you sit on your ass and change the channel, turn on the stereo, switch on the surround sound, play the DVD player, turn on the Xbox, tune up the microwave, and make your dog sit and shut up. Why don't you just use the necessary 0.5 watts of energy and pick up your remote for the DVD player to turn it on? Better yet, jog your fat ass and get that Lean Cuisine out the microwave! That's what America's obese now!
(2) I Wanna Ride On the Car: People who put their garbage on the trunk of their car (notice I said "on" and not "in), and ride 0.5 mph to the dumpster. Would it cause so much heartache to simply put the garbage in the trunk? Because, if the garbage slides off the trunk as you make your 80-year-duration turn, it'll take you more energy to jump out, sit it back on the trunk, and drive off again. *Special circumstance: Your trunk is too full, or your trash is funky. Take that shIIt out your trunk (you'll have better gas mileage and tire pressure), or keep your trunk door up! And if your trash stinks like that, you probably shouldn't have eaten that shIIt in the first place. That's why America's obese now, fatty!
(3) Lane Changers and Their Lack of Signal Usage: Um, self explanatory. They're going 50 mph, coming up from behind me, switch to the lane to my left, and fly in front of me...just in time for the light to flip red. Giant braking ensues on both parties. Then they turn right and keep going about their business. Dammit, man! You could have given me the common courtesy of letting me know your ass don't know how to drive! At least give me the signal that you wanted to get in front of me so that I can brake gradually, rather than elevating my blood pressure when I have to slam on brakes to avoid a collision. That's why you're too big to fit in that car. You can't even move your plump finger to flick on the signal. Get out the car and ride a bike, you obsese American!
(4) Swivel Chairs and the Idiots that Ride in Them: Silly asses that have mysteriously glued their booty to the seat of a swivel chair and refuses to walk with their feet, like a normal person. Going from cubby to cubby or desk to desk, 50.0 times a day, scooting their feet like Barney Rubble. The chair is all out in the aisle and stuff. Um, excuse me? You're, like, in the way! Move it! You are not in a segway! You are not in an electrical scooter or any type of wheelchair! You need to move those glutes and calfs and hit that cellulite, with your obese self! Move it!
(5) What Statement Are You Making Here?: Tee shirts to the knees and shorts to the ankles are not cute, young man! So, what are you saying about yourself? I'm hiding my obesity under here! You have on 50 ounces of clothing (because I know guys wear a shirt under their shirts), and you wonder why you're sweating like all hell! Your clothes look straight up lazy, and you look lazy under all of them, with your chunky self! Like the fashion police would say, "You don't get any tickets. Just go to jail." My people, my people. African Americans, lets get it together.
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