20.
Bumper Sticker Hounds. This isn't really a driving habit, but you've seen the cars. I understand that someone is political and they have their "Vote for Bush" stickers or their "F Bush" stickers. I'll take one or two, read them, and keep driving. I'll even take cleverly-phrased bumper stickers like, "In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned," or even "My student will whip your honor student's ass." I like those. But it gets to be a big distraction, and a little too
much, when your car looks like it came straight from Woodstock. Rainbows and "Codism" stickers and glitter flowers and pictures of ice cream do not belong on the back of your car. Even if you're driving a 1960s Volkswagon van. Why do you even want to draw attention to yourself (or your old ass car) like that? Stickers are for children. And children are not supposed to legally drive. Except Sean Preston and Jayden James Spears-Federline, but that's an entirely different story.
19.
Perverted truck drivers. Women know what I mean. I'm at a traffic light, all peaceful and willy nilly, and this big ole' tractor trailer truck pulls up beside me. It could actually even be anything bigger than my baby Focus, and not necessarily a tractor trailer. I look over, and he's staring down into my lap, or trying to see down my turtleneck. What! I feel so violated. I don't even have on a skirt,
perv! Some have even tooted their air horn at me. Are you serious?! I usually try to inch forward, or just take off when the light turns green.
18.
Profilers. Your favorite words are "bling bling," "cha-ching," or "Bitch, where my money?" If you're making good money in sales or something, good for you! By all means, you can floss in that Benz or Dodge Magnum and look at me like I'm gum on the bottom of your alligators. I'm not going to be too far behind you. But if I know (and we all
know) that you slinging something illegal, and trying to look me up and down because you're in a Lexus and I'm driving my baby Focus, you need to quit. I'm not impressed by your car.
All women are not enthralled by nice cars, especially when I'm highly off the market, as far as dating goes. So you can take your Hummer 2 that guzzles $80 of gas every couple of days, and drive on. And like Kanye said, "Even if you in a Benz, you
still a
Nigger. In a Coup."
17.
The Bernie Mac-eyed Onlookers. Okay, so what's your problem? Why are you gawking at me from behind the glass in your car? Do I look familiar? Do I look so fabulous? And why aren't you blinking? People scare me when they stare at me while driving anyway, so I usually don't look at anything but the road in front of me or my cd player. FYI: Children are the worst. I'll flick your kid off. I was taught that staring was rude.
16.
Cop Car Scaredy Cats. A cop just so happens to pull up at the light across from where I'm sitting. And the person in front of me refuses to go through the green light faster than 5 mph. Or a cop is on the highway, coming up from behind me. The people in front of me slam all on their brakes and literally have panic attacks. Bitch, he's not clocking you if he's trying to pass you! Stop braking like you're crazy! It's called "taking your foot off the gas." You were only going 55, anyway, so what are you afraid of? I get behind the cop car and tag along. At least he's going the speed limit.
15.
Bicyclers. Now, if I had a good bike that I could ride, instead of burning the gas in the car, I would. And I understand that we all must share the road. But do we have to share at 8:30 a.m., when everyone is racing to work, or 5:30 p.m., when everyone is racing home? Especially in Atlanta, there is always a speed bicycler flying down the middle of the street at 5.8 mph, followed by a pack tight with 25 SUVs. And then people are speeding around the bicycler, and you can't get over, and it's a mess! My nerves are too bad for that crap, and I can just see somebody getting hit on their bike. So, I need you bicycle folks to move over. And stop swerving
into traffic and around cars! You gon' get your ass hit one day!
14.
Constant Date-Seekers. Why are you trying to holla when you can't see me from my chest down? I'm in a short little car, and you're wildly gesturing for me to roll down my window. And I don't let my window down. If it is down, I roll it up. No, I don't want your number. I have two peg legs and a kickstand, for all you know. Concentrate on driving (or passenger
ing) and leave me be! This also applies to you
beggars! No, I don't have a quarter for you ass, so stop asking me every night!
13.
Deaf Bass-Blowers. I'm listening to my Kem or Maxwell, and here you come up behind me, all rattling bass from your trunk. I know you can't think like that, let alone drive! It's usually all those old, beat-up cars, too. They make my car shake and distract my Maxwell aura. You deaf ass. Not impressive. Definitely not cute.
12.
Driving in Pairs. I'm in rush-hour traffic, and here are two cars, riding directly beside each other. At 55 mph, exactly. And I can't get into the left lane to move around the one in front of me because that's what everyone behind me is doing. Do you not see a car to your right, and 80 cars crammed behind the two of you? Personally, if I look over and see someone driving right beside me, and there's frustrated drivers trying to get around me, I speed up like hell and get over in front of the other slower vehicle. It's just common courtesy to me. Plus, if there's a cop up ahead, I wouldn't get caught first, now would I?
11.
Non-Brake Lighters. Where are your brake lights?! I guess a person wouldn't really know if their lights were out unless someone else tells them, but most of the time, you know those lights are out! I'm forced to rely on the person in front of the person with no brake lights in front of me. If they slow down, I know the non-brake lighter has to slow down, so I'm guessing I should brake soon myself. And it would be my fault if I hit you in the back. Please get them replaced. I installed my own, and I'm a girly girl! Don't be cheap. Cheap isn't sexy. At all.
10.
Farmer John and Company. Now, I live in the South. And I know that there are some very rural areas outside of the city that are just "down-home," drive the 25-year-old truck with the chickens in the back, or whatnot. But if you didn't know, Jim Bob, then I'm telling you now! Rush hour in the Big City is about 7 am to 10 am in the mornings, and 4 pm to 7 pm in the evenings. The Big City also contains lots of hills and curves, so your car must be in some shape. So, if your truck cannot go faster than 40 mph, and you're in one of the 8 lanes of the Atlanta Motor Speedway, please avoid those times. You will get run over. You and Sally Sue Ellen. Thank you.
9.
Sporadic and Frequent Lane Switchers. I see Batman's car come from behind me, switch two lanes over ot the left at 80 mph, squeeze in front of the car in front of me (causing crazy braking madness), and just barely makes it off the right-side exit 10 feet from us. You're an ass. Why do all that? It's traffic, and if we all gotta sit here, you shouldn't feel obligated that you don't have to. No one is an expert driver. This includes anyone who drives in Nascar. Quit it! Especially you...
8.
Angry 17-year-old Drivers a.k.a.
Speedy Gonzales Racers. If you see the light is red, why are you still coming towards me and traveling at 100 mph on a residential road? It's usually the young kids who can't keep their feet off the gas pedal and, sadly, especially those members of my woman species. Let's slow it down to about 80 next time. Hey! I speed too, but I know when not to. There's traffic in front of me, so stop getting all close to my bumper, like I can push the car in front of me out of the way. And I'm not racing you, either, so no need to waste all that gas taking off like a bat outta hell. Get some counseling for your anger issues.
Bonus: Timmy Caucasian, Karen European, and YourNameHere WhitePerson. The newsstory said you were such wonderful members of the human race. Lots of family, friends, and a fulfilling, high-paying job. "I can't believe he's gone." "She was always so joyful and giving." It's a shame how you were going 100 mph, wearing no seatbelt, drunk as a skunk, in a police chase, causing a 10-car pileup, on the wrong side of the street, and how you ran into that tree and died. Damn. My point exactly. We see it everyday. So, I'll spell it. S-L-O-W-D-O-W-N.
7.
Rubberneckers. Sure, it's okay to look over at a true incident and think, "God, that's awful. I'm glad it wasn't me!" Two second glance is all, and keep it moving. It's absolutely
not okay to slam on brakes and whatnot to be all nosy at someone getting a ticket, or of an incident truck just sitting over there on the shoulder by itself. Stop being so damn nosy, and drive, bitches! Traffic is getting backed up pretty quickly. If it has nothing to do with you, your well being, or your car, keep driving, crazy!
6.
Thick White Line Ignorers. I can't scream this loud enough. STOP COMING IN ON ME! There's a white or yellow line there for a reason, dumb ass! Pay attention! I have to blow my horn at someone almost every day who feel like the line doesn't apply to them. And some keep on coming in on me, forcing me to slam on my brakes to avoid getting side-swipped. Yes, I have a little car, but it's
black as all hell! Especially out-of-towners. Read the map before you start driving, or designate a reliable map-reading passenger. If you're getting ready to miss your exit, too bad! Get off at the next one, and spin around! No one should be put in danger because you're ignorant, or don't know where the hell you're going!
5.
Horn Blowers. Can I
please have time to visually and mentally
react to the green light before you blow your horn all loud in my ear?! In Atlanta, the light can be on the
verge of turning green, and people will blow their horns. Better yet, the light across would have just turned red, and they already blow their horns to anticipate our light being green. It's freakin' outrageous! I've seen people blow their horns for no reason at all. Some people don't need them at all. Horns make me want to choke someone. Namely the person that tapped it. I hate car horns! Leave me alone before I sit at the green light, just to spite you! Yeah, I can be immature like that.
4.
Cell Phone Gabbers. Not to say that I don't drive and talk on my phone, but driving is my top priority. I have paused and/or put my phone down in the middle of conversation numerous times before to manuever around cars or whatnot. But the people who talk and sit at green lights, or hold up traffic, or seem way too distracted on their phones need to give it up. In my experience, men have been the worst driver-talkers because most men generally cannot multitask like that. Oh, and one more scenario that burns me up. If the person in front of me is on the phone and looking for something in the backseat, and the cars in front of them have
been gone through the green light, why are we still sitting still? Then, the talker looks up suddenly, flies through the yellow light, and leaves me steaming at the red light to have to wait until the light cycles around again. You're lucky I couldn't catch up with you. Oooo! Get off the phone!
3.
Elder Left-Lane Huggers. Now, I love my older people. But ya'll shouldn't be on the highway at 5 pm, especially in the left lanes. Period. Weren't your children supposed to advise you on that, or something? 'Cause I know that my parents will
not be on the highway in rush hour traffic when they're 80, that's for sure. Their reaction time is off and everything. Even if they bitch and moan. Because it's completely frustrating to us younger drivers who do not know the the speed limit used to be 45 mph on the highway, and that there were only 2 lanes. That's not the case now. Wait until later, or move over! Better yet, start off in the right lane. You won't have to worry about getting over down the road.
2.
Habitual Brake Slammers. This can go hand-in-hand with my elder drivers. Those who drive like "us," but brake at the last possible second, causing a domino effect of brake slamming. You know how the back of your car lifts up when you brake too hard? I do that, at least, once a day. My nerves are too bad for all that! And I'm scared to death that, one day, I'll set off my air bag. Didn't they teach you to brake
gradually? If they didn't, they should have! And if you were taught how to drive when horse and buggies were hot, or when there weren't brakes on cars, you shouldn't be driving. At all.
1. The scariest and most irritating driving habit of them all:
Psycho tractor trailer drivers. You see them, especially in Atlanta, going 95 and passing you, like you're standing still and they're on a motorcycle. Or the worst: When they accelerate and come up to your bumper all fast and
actually blow their horns, or make that loud, vibrating braking noise to let you know that, yes, they just might run you slam over. Talk about rude! I'm scared to Jesus of those trucks. I mean, if they run over my baby Focus with me in it, death becomes of me.
How's my driving? Psycho, you ass! Slow the "F" down!
